Aint a Handle

“…so then, he scoops one big hairy arm under me, sticks his thumb in my pussy, 2 fingers up my ass, sticks his other hand under my back, and picks me up like my taint is a goddamn handle.” She paused to shuffle her spearmint chewing gum, long since flavorless, from 1 side of her mouth to the other. “Then he shoves his face in my tits and starts rubbing it around,” as a visual aid, she shoved her cleavage out and shook her own head. First though, she took a moment to brush her bottle-red hair back from her shoulders to better accentuate the gold and black spotted, low cut, sleeveless ‘top’ that clung to her pale, mottled flesh. Her long, slender nose waggled, just a little at the tip, as her head shook inside her own, imaginary version of her breasts.
“Now I told you already how hairy he was, and he had that big scraggly beard, well this was just scratching the hell out of my nipples. So I squealed, just a little. He musta thought that was encouragement, cause next thing I know, he’s biting my tit. Can you believe that shit? He bit my mother fucking tit!
“Well there are some things I do not do. So I push him back and slap his hairy fuckin’ face. Only thing is, I’m still hanging there in mid air with his hand up my hooch. Son of a bitch drops me. Bam!” She slams her hand on the desk, demonstrating the impact, startling her young, already shocked audience. “Right on the hard wood floors. Thought I broke my fuckin’ ass.
“Does he apologize? No, he starts cursing at me in Russian or Latonian, or some shit, for slapping him. He’s mad at me! He’s standing there, holding his cheek and yelling, like I could hurt him. But what he don’t know is that his finger has shit all over it from being up my ass the whole time. If he had asked, I’d have told him I had to go the bathroom, but he’s gotta be all Carpet Do Me, all the time.
“So now I got this short, naked, hairy, pot bellied, middle aged, Russian yelling some Viking nonsense at me with a big streak of shit across his cheek. I start laughing. He looks in the mirror to see whats so funny, realizes what’s happened, and freaks the fuck out. He jumps for his pants, pulls out a knife, and charges me.
“So that’s when I reached under the bed, pulled out my husband’s pistol, and shot the bastard. Bam, bam, bam 3 in the chest, just like my honey taught me.” She reached into her red, pleather purse, pulled out a fresh piece of gum, used the wrapper to spit the old gum into and began working on the new one.
Across the table from her, 3 young women sat, jaws agape as they listened to their aunt regale them. She shifted in her chair, wagged 1 finger and added, wisely, “And that, girls, is why you should always go to the bathroom before going on a date.”
A loud, stern knock on the door disturbed the awkward silence that had overtaken the room. “Sherri Dugan, this is the CCPD, open up.”