I am the ad man
The political campaigner
The sales manager
The fine print writer
I used to hang around
The crossroads
At the outskirts of town
Waiting for the desperate
And despondent
To come to me
But thank god
For modern technology
Now I’m in the homes
The eyes
The ears
Of every man, woman and child
Are you tired?
Weary to the bone?
Is life hard
For you and your loved ones?
Of course it is
Nature of the beast
But don’t worry ‘bout a thing
Cuz I got what you need
Order now
While supplies last
Be the first in you neighborhood
To find real happiness
With the device
“They” don’t want you to have
But for a limited time
We can make it available to you
It will:
Clean your house
Wash your hair
Smooth the wrinkles
In your clothes and your face
Cure Cancer
Stimulate orgasms
And…
Beat your children for you.
The Super Amazing Wondertron 1000 is all you need
And only I can provide it
Through a special offer
Developed by my unique connections
With Nigerian Princes
So contact me now
All you need to provide
Is you bank account numbers
A sample of your DNA
And the tiniest sliver of your soul
You’ll never even miss it
At least not in this lifetime
So c’mon
Sign on the dotted line
And all your troubles
Will be gone!
All your hopes and dreams?
Well, they’ll be mine too.
Balance after all
Must be maintained
No troubles, no hopes
No pain, no pleasure
I’ll take it away
But I will take it ALL away.
Did I forget to mention that?
I did say
I am the Fine Print Writer
If you thought I was a giver
Only got yourself to blame.
Thank you for your patronage
Have a nice day